Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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