you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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