8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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