Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
