Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
