You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
