the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
