i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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