Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
