do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
