I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
