i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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