How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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