Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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