Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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