So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
