just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
