hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
