I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
