I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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