Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
