Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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