After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You are the jesus of drinking
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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