I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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