Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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