Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she smelled like a LAN party
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We just shotgunned beers for America
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
