Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
