Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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