Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
