my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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