Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
