Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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