I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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