I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize