They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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