Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
