My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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