also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
