He asked me if I "almost moaned"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
