Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
