guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
