I got chris browned last night
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize