2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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