I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
