enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
