i already hear my dad disowning me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
