my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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