mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize