Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
