last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
