Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
