just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
