even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
