oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
