i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize