Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
