Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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