So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
