You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
