mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
